Don't make me call your mother

thoughts on 2022

Many years ago, I am trying to locate the date in my brain and I cannot…This has been happening more and more lately—snippets of pristine clarity arising that serve as puzzle pieces. Pieces that already exist, and already contain answers and knowing, situated in a new context, pointing towards answers and acceptance. After the few years we have had (and spoiler alert,the few years we have ahead) more space is being made for clarity and alignment with what is.

This memory that popped had to be 2013-2015 time frame. My very good friend, who has since moved to Utah, and I drove down to Washington D.C. to see Mata Amritanandamayi Devi, nicknamed The Hugging Saint. I have journeyed to see Amma for decades now and for various reasons as my self and my journey have woven and meandered. The first time I went was because I was in yoga teacher training and dating a very mystical man (I say that truly and loosely, which is the the relationship byline there) and I was deeply entrenched in a very freshman journey of the spiritual path. I seemed a bit ushered in to the Amma experience: wear light colors, sit in the front, bring a bag with a lot of layers because the air conditioning runs cold, and make sure to drink the chai, it’s delicious and helps you stay up all night.

I remember when I met her I didn’t know what to think of her, except—This was real. What that meant, I didn't know. It was less about an answer and more about a willingness to believe outside the confines of my very literal mind, which was at that moment a bit perplexed, awestruck, and hesitant.

I saw her in DC and NYC my first summer. I met her in 2004. I remember that first experience being more like an incomprehensible moment. I was wearing khaki pants and a white shirt from JCREW and I did drink the chai, and I had my khakis stained by sitting on a floor strewn with flowers, inhaling an intoxicating smell that I won’t even bother to explain because it is the sensory experience of the Divine. I’ll leave it there.

The second time I met her it was my birthday and we were in New York City. I lived in Philly so it was easy to go south for one visit for a few hours, come home and then go North for a visit. I remember the difference in the tonality of the spaces and the electric hub-but that is New York. I remember sitting in the balcony and watching a policeman that was on duty, gun on hip, come up for a hug for with Amma. That’s also an easily recallable image.

Let me fill you in real quick, Amma is a Satguru. In that lexicon that means she is born actualized and has come to help awaken humanity; however, in the lineage of her tradition to sit and hug people is totally norm-breaking. And that is what she does. She sits for hours and hours—12 hours or more at a time—and hugs. You can read more and make your own deductions, here.

Back to the second time I met her, it was my birthday, I was with the mystical man and he kept telling me in line that I should tell them it is my birthday. I said no. Who am I? I thought to go to two cities, get two hugs, when this woman will spend hours and days hugging hundreds of thousands of people? I didn’t think it was right to ask for a Happy Birthday.

When we went up for our hug, she made a huge fuss over me. She threw a shower of flowers over me, held me close and long, gave me an apple, and her trademark Hershey kiss, then smiled, tilted her head to the side and said: “Okay?”

Afterwards I spit out, “She knew it was my birthday?”

The man I was dating answered, “Yes. You should be celebrated. I told them.”

The meaning I made was that she was just as happy to celebrate me, and that was okay. Would I be taking the same stride to celebrate my self?

Hold that thought while I jump a decade later and I am with my good friend Melonie that has since moved to Utah. Over the decade I would grow much, learn much, move great distances and all that jazz. I no longer went to Amma to get something, but more as an orienting reminder now, of what more is possible. That my ability to be bigger and serve more is always available to be grown and to be in her presence is a great spiritual boon. Some years I felt held. Some years I felt challenged. Some years I was just happy to reconvene with beloveds and get the chai. This particular year I remember I was happy. Melonie and I had even met for burgers (kinda a no-no) in a neighboring hotel before we went into the big hall where Amma would chant and share her talk. But that too was a boon. I was no longer playing a part and stumbling, I was me and that was flawed and awesome and I can eat burgers and then see a Satguru because that is what I did.

We had planned to stay overnight in the hotel and had brought a change of clothes, and were ushered in for bhajans (songs) and our seats before we had a chance to change to the more socially respectful lighter, simpler clothing, mind you it is also a cultural event to see her.

I remember that for many years she had said in her talks that we should (now I don’t want to directly quote since it is my fallible memory) pray for the cool winds of grace for humanity.

I remember that year her language changed. I remember her saying: Only the cool winds of divine grace can save us.

Melonie and I looked at each other, confirming we had heard the ever so slight shift in language and tone.

Amma went on to talk—she gives relatable and rather funny talks to inspire us to be better humans. She gives them in Malayalum and they are translated by her Swami. The repetitive ritual is soothing after so many years of hearing them speak and interplay together.

As she talked, I kept noticing a more dire warning, but when I looked around the room I didn’t see it registering. And then a bhajan played (and if you are reading this and know it please post it, because I am having trouble locating it to share. This isn’t the mantra she sang, but it is closer to the emanation of the Devi that she was singing about + one she does sing). When the song started, I felt the energetic shift. A bhajan is a devotional song. Some I know, many I don’t. They have projector screens up for the English translation. When I read the translation of this song, I remember reading that Ma’s anklets were jingling and that she was coming…

Melonie and I locked eyes to confirm what we both intuited. The whole room seemed to be singing joyfully and missing the sentiment, The Divine Feminine was coming. Someone had called our mother and it was time to get our sh*t together.

Melonie and I had several talks over the two days in DC over what we had felt in the tonal shift and were we crazy or were humans just mostly not able to heed warnings? Was the truth of things around us always in such plain context? And our freedom to see or not is so guarded by universal law the even a Satguru, with presentient wisdom, does not have the permission to assert past anyone’s free will to know or wanting not to know? Fascinating things to consider.

I feel quite good about 2022, and, well, I cannot help but notice that that it is three 2’s: The maiden. The mother. The crone. The number 2 carries the energy of the Divine Feminine. When I tune into my own feeling tone of this year, it feels very much like someone has called our mother—and what that means depends on what Ma finds when she sidles up alongside you. But for sure, no matter what the form of action a mother moves in love, fierce or gentle, sheltering or emboldening it arrives to grow you. The year itself adds to a 6, which is the numerology of love, @numerologistcom calls it a year of “radical healing.”

Radical healing—true healing—comes in various stages and experiences. A big one is the clearing out to make space; a letting go, whether it be as gentle as a whisper or through the more ferocious kindness of Kali’s stripping away for what will ultimately serve. Healing takes over to eradicate that which causes dis-ease. Healing calls our attention to what needs to change, where we need to grow. Sometimes that path, often that path, scrapes away until we are forced to release that which never served to begin with.

So this morning, on a new moon, in a new year, on a Sunday, I repotted my cactus. I have two tiny cactus, and when I bought them I thought of my self and my son. Their Trader Joe’s pots were super small and I hadn’t previously made the time to repot. I grabbed a repurposed teacup and set up to put them both in together—and mid set-up something stopped me.

Was there really enough room for both plants to flourish in this one cup? Was it not enough now in the moment to give each of them the space they truly need to grow and expand?

I paused. I realized in my mom’ing self this was going to be a year where I tended a bit more to me, a little more space, a little more attention, a putting on my oxygen mask first. I potted the cactus and felt an exhale from my womb. Okay? The Divine Mother says. You see?

How about you? If you are reading this we know that you are already the kind of person that takes care of others, that wants the best for everyone—are you including a bit more of yourself this year?

One thing I did (I actually love the whole pick a word for the year practice. Maybe it’s the teacher in me, I like to intend into the year’s curriculum. It’s not a resolution more of a growth focus), this year after sitting with my word and my focus for the year, I asked myself what 3 resources do I already have access to that can help support my goals? I wanted to remind myself at this stage of the game it might not always be something new that I need to learn, but a deeper turn on the spiral.

Here’s what I chose so far:

• Reread Tosaha Silver’s It’s Not Your Money

• Move my body daily. (I am using Flowcode for that, I’ll tell you more later this month. It’s new, but not)

• Make a real daily meditation practice. I have greatly improved my meditation commitment over the last year, but it is not daily. I think with the onslaught of what we have in information and + stress I need to make it a daily clearing of the slate, even a light dusting would help.

  • Here’s a podcast episode on dancing (body movement) and one on meditation to find Center. I am all about resource sharing this year as well. If I have the energy to complain, I also have the energy to provide a solution in my own sphere.

Weren’t we taught to use what our mothers gave us?

Aside from rediscovering resources, I am also am entertaining the idea that intentions might need more time to become reality. Like seasons may need to pass before you understand what part of you, the truest you, already knows. I’ll be sharing more about that in upcoming classes and writings that have been knocking on the door of creation.

For now:

May you reclaim the spaciousness that Life has granted you at birth and may this great force reveal itself to you in the most understandable of ways, so that you may grow to know your Self, your Path, and your Value without question.

“As Nameless, it is the origin of all things.

As Named, it is the mother of all things.” - Tao Te Ching

Celebrate yourself and listen to this song:

Happy New Year + Thanks for weaving into The Golden Thread

Kate