A slow and subtle start

aligning with the elements

(Photo taken the morning I wrote this post.)

I love a new notebook. A new moon (and a waning one). A New Year. I love the setting of an intention and the reflection and evaluation of what I am calling in and on.

As I have gotten older, I am seeing the repetition in the journals of some of the same intentions, over and over and over again. There was a moment that I got disheartened. Why have I not been able to manifest this? Why have I not been able to do this? Questions hit differently when you are truly in —if Life is generous— midway of your journey.

As I didn’t get an answer to that— the rational why that I wanted, the blame or discouragement that first came, I made a choice to unravel a few things, and that is where some directional wisdom drops started appearing. It started earlier last year when a good friend, and holistic practitioner, diligently explained the benefit of doubt. She would repeat to me something of the effect that — What if doubt was the confirmation?

I remember the first time she hinted at this, I could only blink. Doubt was wrong (not in its essence); something that I had perceived to be worked through. How could it be helpful?

She kindly repeated this idea in various forms, until something started to respond. Some synapse in my neurology started to hold doubt a bit differently. I then recalibrated my look at the years of intentions with a bit of a different hue.

Fast forward to the end of this year (which was a great one in many ways, but asked much in exchange), when I felt the teetering moment when I had hit exhaustion but rather than ask for help I drew on chi I didn’t have, and got quite sick. I am a blessedly healthy person, so my quite sick is not the mainstream, but I noticed the warnings my body was giving me and I decided to attend to the sickness practically and spiritually. I took very literal and physical care of my body, and I also opened space for this question: What are you telling me? And what are you needing me to let go?

It was the let go question that got the most traction. My nights became flooded with dreams and information of stories from the past that I needed to let go, integrate, forgive or change. I mean flooded. I was waking up like clock-work in the middle of the night with full panorama of a life scene, a different time period each night, showing me what needed attention and release.

It sounds fancy as I type it, but the reality is I was sick in body and multi-layered in exhaustion. I wasn’t sleeping well and it was Christmas with a small child. So it all was. It was all there, staring me in the face and my body and Spirit were curious if I would be making the changes I said I was open to or would I be taken down further until I listened?

I listened.

I then was covered in a full body rash for 48 hours and you know what I did? I said, Thank you. The skin is connected to the liver, the holder of all things. The last time I got a rash like this was in 2008 when I ordered an Ayurvedic herb as a new yoga student and I didn't listen and induced a healing crisis flushing out my liver too fast. This time it was with intent. Part of why I am here, why I write, is to lead a connection back to the divinity of the body and a curiosity of what lies within her (or him) that beckons us to evolve our souls. Connections with and too our bodies is a precious gift that evolves as we age and grow in our chosen awareness. No matter when we begin, the body is designed to meet you where you are a available and guide you toward your potential—and that is different for all of us.

As I started to feel better, I saw a clarity come that is well earned in my skin and my eyes. I knew, I know, that this is only the beginning, because I have made a promise at a soul-level for change and these are promises not made lightly and not to be broken.

I’m not saying this to be dramatic. I am drawing attention to the fact that where we make our intentions from and what we are addressing in ourselves is a force that responds to reciprocity. We can off-handedly want to make a resolution and it falls away, to be picked up later. But when we step towards our Essence, and She responds, She is watching and reacting to choices at a level with deeper repercussions. We live in a polarity universe. Words and intent matter.

A few days ago I heard a podcast with Joe Longo and Amy Spicer. Amy talked about doubt as a reminder that we are sovereign beings. The doubt arises to ask: Is this an aligned choice? Is this the choice you want to make? She went on to identify that if we are doubting something that is aligned for us, then it is calling forth our growth to be the person that can make that choice effortlessly. The doubt is a reflection of your thinking you are not worthy of what your Essence knows you are built for.

I have been journaling the 13 Holy Nights this year with a perspective of anthroposophy. By the way, I used to have my friend Kim (who is featured in Rebirth) repeat the pronunciation of AnthroPOsophy for years before my child would make me a student of it. So if it is a term you haven’t heard, no worries. Back to the reflections of the Holy Nights (also mentioned by

Juliana Swanson

in her latest post) which culminates on the Epiphany, I have found that writing and journaling, then dreaming and awaking and drawing on these reflections have been a tremendous journey for me to see the rhythms of the year and availing patterns. Some insights on intentions written and rewritten since 2009 are sharing understanding, and apparently are also in alignment with astrological patterning of completion. A long winded way of saying: Everything in its time.

See, in all the journal frustration I wondered why I was not getting things done or created. What I am learning now is that what is being built is not going to be done by me, but through me, and what needs to first come is the dissolution of resistant thinking and disbelief. For a simple reflection on this, I can recommend Patty Lennon’s book (the author will be on our podcast this year). And this morning I saw that an old favored soul is holding a month long class on instituting the habit of miracles. Guru Singh’s class was my favorite part of staying in LA before heading to Kauai in the early days. He is a true philosopher and his oratory skills blew my mind. He is learned, intuitive, energetic and committed. Today in his talk he asked about a 50 year plan? Do you have one? I am going to contemplate the next month on what I want mine to be. What am I un-patterning and gifting through this life as she cycles through the years ahead and the patterns of the cosmos…

In his talk this morning he shared that the word miracle, comes from the same root as mirror. Miracles are mirrors of belief. He talked about doubt. I turned my head at the obvious theme arising for me. At this point, this was the third major insight of doubt in my week-long reflection period and he said, “Think of doubt as a stone that sharpens a knife. If used straight on, it blunts the knife, but when used at an angle it sharpens the tool. Neither the knife, or humans like the friction, but it is that friction that sharpens us.” It is the proper use of doubt that illuminates our clarity. Or as my teacher said, “Your doubts are what you have decided to overcome to meet your intention.”

This year, instead of rushing out to the holiday and new year (although I had both and they were lovely even without feeling tip top), I have been met and acknowledged the slowness and introspection of the planets (I have a tremendous amount of Mars so I am looking forward to him going direct later this month) and they have in turn served me with the insights that I have asked for.

In return, I get the gift of knowing where to place my focus and relax my resistance to open to grace. To have the focus of our efforts is a great boon, one I treasured when my teacher was physically alive and I could rely on his clues. I realized recently it’s time to stop doubting the clues are not strewn all throughout my day, and slowly but surely they are revealing now that I am looking for them.

So this is my slow start to a year of regeneration. I am happy to welcome a new cohort of writers with Sit & Write, I am also grateful to the growing number of clients that are seeking spiritual mentorship such that might be a fit between us both, not so much for answers actually, but to share what has been shared with me to serve the ignition of internal light.

The song that came to me through the beginning of this Gregorian new year was Andre Bocelli & Sarah Brightman Time to Say Goodbye. It’s so powerful.

It’s a great song to unleash. It’s depth reverberates cellularly: What you are releasing to make room for? What is done? I let the mastery of their voices wash through the room and marveled at the power of a voice harnessed.

May 2023 bring more light to your eyes and power to your words.

Thanks for being here.

Kate